Monday, May 21, 2007

The Hottest Sopranos Mistresses

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10. Julianna Skiff (Julianna Margulies)
Pros: She's professionally ambitious; has one hell of a nice loft apartment; and looks, dresses, talks, and, presumably, smells like Julianna Margulies.
Cons: She suffers from some serious chemical-dependency issues, doesn’t smile or laugh much, and takes rejection kinda personally.
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9. Svetlana Kirilenko (Alla Kliouka Schaffer)
Pros: She refuses to be an enabler, telling Tony that he’s to blame for most of his problems. She was also not above getting in Janice’s face after the theft of her prosthetic leg, and her connections within the Russian underworld often prove useful for money-laundering and related scams.
Cons: She drinks and smokes more than Tara Reid, and doesn’t seem to give a hoot about anyone or anything beyond the almighty dollar.
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8. Michelle (Judy Reyes)
Pros: Michelle tolerates Paulie’s night terrors and general peevishness, and also seems kinda spiritual, pointing Paulie toward a mysterious blind dude who can ease his psychic distress.
Cons: She only had, like, one scene in one episode. She's also the mother of two kids, which limits her availability for mistress nights on the town.
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7. Amy Safir (Alicia Witt)
Pros: With her chichi wardrobe and froufrou nails, she radiates more class and taste than any other Sopranos moll. Her satiny red hair, explosive giggle, and the fact that she's independently wealthy don't hurt either.
Cons: She's a bit too invested in her career as a D-Girl—excuse us, as a VP for Jon Favreau’s production company—and her tendency to say, “I am not a bad person!” jags of self-pity. Amy's also quite quick to cuckold her fiancé (who happens to be Christopher’s cousin).
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6. Sonya Aragon (Sarah Shahi)
Pros: Sonya's not the sentimental type, as witnessed by her shoulder-shrug response to the news that former fling Christopher had met his end. But she looks better in a black cocktail dress than anyone in the history of humankind.
Cons: She doesn’t seem to have much of a personality, and she's not the type who reaches for the check, ever, under any circumstances. She's also more of a cliché—the stripper with a heart of gold—than any other character on the show.
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5. Tracee (Ariel Kiley)
Pros: Tracee's sweet and naive enough to entertain the possibility of a life of domestic tranquility with Ralph Cifaretto, and she has an enormously high tolerance for assholes. Then, of course, there are her humps, her humps, her lovely lady lumps.
Cons: She wears braces, and is a bit too eager to engage her clientele in small talk. She also likes to skip shifts at the Bada Bing to get coked up and lie around the house—and if there’s anything we shall not put up with, it’s professional delinquency.
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4. Jim “Johnny Cakes” (John Costelloe)
Pros: He's an excellent, forthright communicator, and holds down jobs as a short-order cook at the local diner and a volunteer firefighter. He also enjoys a friendly game of cards and a few beers with the fellas.
Cons: He has a penis. His majestic handlebar mustache makes him look just a little bit like Lemmy from Motörhead. And has a great show ever wasted more time on such a tonally off-kilter subplot?
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3. Gloria Trillo (Annabella Sciorra)
Pros: Gloria's smart, career-oriented, and has a lively independent streak, which manifests itself via solo trips to Morocco. She's also amenable to risqué romps in the reptile house at the zoo (insert inappropriate “touch the snake” remark here).
Cons: She's perpetually unhappy and sounds (“Oh, poor you!”) and acts (steak-flinging, etc.) an awful lot like Livia Soprano when she feels she’s been wronged. She's also not above cozying up to the wife of her paramour under false pretenses.
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2. Irina Peltsin (Oksana Lada, a.k.a. Oksana Babiy)
Pros: In her heavily accented Russian, she has a delightful way with a malaprop (“who will be my knight in white satin armor?”). Irina genuinely cares for Tony while wanting little from him, and she clearly lacks a no-nudity clause in her Sopranos contract.
Cons: She violates the cardinal rule of responsible mistress-hood by phoning Carmela and staking her claim to Tony’s true affection. She also doesn’t take a hint especially well, even when said hint is accompanied by $75,000 in please-go-away cash.
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1. Valentina La Paz (Leslie Bega)
Pros: Valentina's available 24/7/365, and she's charming and articulate, especially when selling equine artwork. She's also quite, uh, “gymnastic” in her physical affections, and she's a big fan of goofy practical jokes, like loosening the top on the saltshaker.
Cons: She's a little too eager to boink her way up the North Jer-Z organized crime food chain, as witnessed by her trading up from Ralph Cifaretto to Tony. Plus, she's not willing to accept second-banana status in the lives of her lovers, and she burned her face to a crisp while preparing eggs, negating her primary “pro”.


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